Real

I was thinking back over the past couple of years… about how far we've come, especially in the past year or so. Especially how, without ever once talking to each other directly about it, we've gone from chance encounters around the neighborhood and just hoping to see each other at a small handful of events, to filling our calendars out with planned get-togethers, days, weeks, even months in advance. We've even got the others putting ideas out there, actively participating in giving us time spent in each other's company.

Which is great! The core of what I want is time spent with you.

Oh, I want a lot more than that. So much more. But that's the root, the center. Just… Having you in my life, in whatever capacity I can…

I guess the downside is it'll make having you in my life in the capacity that I long for that much messier and more painful. But, we'll figure that out when we get there. It was never going to be easy, not for us.

But I was also thinking about how far I've come. How, a few years ago, as much as I might have liked to dream that you were also thinking of me… there was a part of me that simply couldn't accept that it was true. What would such an amazing, beautiful woman want with the likes of me? I bring so little of interest to the table… I'm quiet and shy. A bit awkward. I stutter a little when I'm around you. While I've never thought I was unattractive, I've never thought of myself as particularly handsome, either. And I'm so very different from what you've chosen in the past…

As if you bear any resemblance, any at all, inside or out, to what I've chosen in the past. What a silly concern, and yet three years ago…

But in the time since you've done so much to bolster my confidence. The fire I see in your eyes when you look at me makes me feel attractive. The way you pick at my brain, pull me out of my shell, and draw me into conversations makes me feel interesting. The way you remember things about me, remember the things I've told you about and the random garbage I post on Facebook makes me feel important.

It took a long time, and I am sorry about that, but at some point along the way, it finally dawned on me that it wasn't just fantasy. That the warmth I've been feeling from you over the years is more than just your usual (admittedly, rather high) level of friendliness.

The love I feel from you… It's real. Not a figment of my imagination, not my heart desperately searching for signs that aren't really there. Real.

And you've demonstrated, time and again, that it's not just that you love how I make you feel. That it isn't just you responding positively to my gaze stroking your ego.

You love me.

And I love you.

And it is a love that is real. And lasting. No matter how our circumstances may or may not change.

And that is the best feeling. The realest feeling of all.

Yours, completely,
♒️